When I Found Out I Was a “Taker”
Many years ago during a conversation with my mentor, I was told something that shook me to my core: “You’re being a taker.”
At first, I was stunned—and honestly, deeply hurt. I’d always prided myself on being the one who gave. The helper. The healer. The person others could depend on. I was always there, offering support, guidance, and comfort. How could anyone see me as a taker?
I didn’t understand, so I asked. My mentor gently explained:
“Because you never let anyone give to you. You don’t ask for help. That’s not strength—it’s a form of taking.”
Those words cracked something open inside me. It wasn’t that I was selfish in the traditional sense. But by refusing to receive—by never allowing others to support me—I was creating a one-way relationship. I was taking away the opportunity for others to give, connect, and grow.
That moment launched a journey of deep self-inquiry, where I began to uncover the deeper truth behind my giving. What I discovered was that much of my “selflessness” was actually rooted in fear and ego—an identity I had built around being the one who could always hold it together, no matter what.
In that same exploration, I began to notice another pattern, one that’s often hiding in plain sight: spiritual narcissism. While spiritual martyrdom disguises itself as humility, spiritual narcissism cloaks itself in perceived enlightenment. One stems from ego depletion. The other, ego inflation. But both are distortions that prevent us from living in true alignment.
Let’s dive into what these two patterns really are, how they differ, how they both sabotage our growth—and how to reclaim a more grounded, balanced spiritual life.
What Is a Spiritual Martyr?
A spiritual martyr is someone who constantly sacrifices their own well-being for others, often under the guise of service or spirituality. It’s not uncommon for spiritual martyrs to be seen as generous, compassionate, or deeply empathetic. But beneath the surface, martyrdom is often fueled by a need for validation, fear of vulnerability, or a belief that one must suffer to be spiritual or worthy.
Common Traits of a Spiritual Martyr:
Over-giving while rejecting help or support.
Feeling guilty for resting or prioritizing themselves.
Believing suffering is noble or necessary for spiritual growth.
Expecting to be recognized or appreciated for their sacrifices.
Avoiding personal healing by staying busy “serving” others.
The danger here is that martyrdom often leads to burnout, resentment, and a deep sense of unfulfillment. It also perpetuates codependent dynamics, where others become reliant on the martyr and growth is stunted on both sides.
What Is a Spiritual Narcissist?
On the flip side is the spiritual narcissist—someone who uses their spiritual knowledge or experiences to elevate themselves above others. This doesn’t always look like arrogance or vanity. Often, it’s much subtler. It may be disguised as confidence, leadership, or insight—but it’s driven by ego, not authenticity.
Common Traits of a Spiritual Narcissist:
Believing they are more “awake” or “enlightened” than others.
Dismissing others’ struggles as “low vibration” or karmic.
Constantly referencing their spiritual insights to gain admiration.
Hiding behind spiritual language to avoid accountability.
Using spiritual identity (“lightworker,” “empath,” etc.) to feel superior or special.
Unlike a spiritual martyr, who may feel powerless or “less than,” the spiritual narcissist inflates their sense of self through their practices and titles. Both patterns, however, are rooted in a disconnection from true humility and self-worth.
Two Sides of the Same Coin: Ego in Disguise
While spiritual martyrdom and narcissism may seem like opposites, they’re both driven by the same underlying force: ego.
Martyrdom says: “I’m only valuable if I give everything away.”
Narcissism says: “I’m only valuable if I’m the most awakened or special.”
Neither is true spirituality. And neither leads to lasting connection, inner peace, or growth. Both are survival strategies masquerading as service or enlightenment. Both ultimately leave us feeling empty and disconnected from ourselves, others, and Source.
How These Patterns Harm Your Spiritual Journey
1. They Create Disconnection
Martyrs disconnect from their own needs, while narcissists disconnect from others’ humanity. Authentic relationships require mutual exchange, empathy, and presence—none of which can flourish under these dynamics.
2. They Block Receiving and Flow
Martyrdom blocks abundance by rejecting help. Narcissism blocks flow by seeking control or validation. Both send the message to the Universe: “I don’t trust you. I must prove or suffer to be worthy.”
3. They Reinforce Inauthentic Identities
Spirituality becomes a role to perform—the healer, the guru, the selfless servant—instead of an honest, evolving journey of the soul. When we cling to these identities, we resist the very vulnerability and transformation that spiritual growth requires.
Breaking Free: Reclaiming Balance and Authenticity
Healing from these patterns requires self-awareness, compassion, and a willingness to dismantle old identities. Here’s how to begin:
1. Practice Radical Self-Honesty
Start with this question: Am I giving from love, or from fear? Use journaling, meditation, or therapy to explore what’s driving your behavior.
2. Learn to Receive
Let people help you. Ask for support. Say yes to kindness. Receiving is not weakness—it’s part of the universal flow. The more you receive, the more you can give without depletion.
Affirm: “I am safe to receive. I am worthy of love and support.”
3. Examine Your Intentions
Before sharing spiritual insights or helping others, ask: Am I doing this to serve—or to be seen? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated. But if your sense of identity depends on it, it’s time to realign.
4. Release Spiritual Ego
Let go of labels and titles that make you feel “above” others. You are not your gifts, your past lives, or your intuitive downloads. You are a human soul, here to experience love, growth, and connection like everyone else.
5. Reclaim Your Humanity
Ground your practices in real life. Get messy. Be imperfect. Tend to your finances, your body, your relationships. True spirituality doesn’t float above the world—it’s lived through it.
Closing Thoughts: True Power Comes from Presence
That day, when I was called a taker, I felt exposed. But I also felt free. Free to let go of the performance. Free to stop needing to be the strong one. Free to receive and just be.
Both the spiritual martyr and the spiritual narcissist are armor. They protect us from feeling unworthy, unseen, or out of control. But you don’t need that armor anymore. Who you are—without the roles, without the titles—is already enough.
Let yourself be real. Let yourself be supported. Let yourself grow in connection, not comparison.
The universe doesn’t need you to prove anything. It just wants you to show up—with an open heart and a willingness to evolve.
Written by Barbara Heinemann
Empowering spiritual beings to manifest their destiny
